Sometimes in life, you witness something happen and just think to yourself, “This, is epic.” I have had many of these moments, like when Becca Reznik had D-Cups in 4th grade, or when I fake choked on an oreo in third grade to get Sarah Milby’s sympathy…another tale of epic proportions.

This story is so epic that the punch line is the topic sentence, much like a 5 paragraph essay in high school.

I witnessed a man get arrested last night, in the Philadelphia Airport (terminal E, gate E7), for getting in a fight with HIMSELF.

I love an airport layover just as much as the next guy, Laid on a layover? why not?! Airport Bars are recess yards for adults, and the fake ID youth of this great land.  Apparently this gentleman had been delayed for 4 hours previously in the day, and spent that delay Belly Up.  Well, he was not allowed on that flight due to intoxication. I imagine they said something to the effect of “sir, we have another plane coming in 3 hours, sober up and you can get on that”.  Well, he returned to the bar.  He then returned to the gate hours later for his next flight.  This is when he and I cross paths, indirectly.  Across the terminal at Gate E9, i am sleeping across 3 seats as I patiently await my 5 hour delayed flight.  I am awoken by a thunderous banging, as I gaze across the terminal I see this bafoon screaming “I JUST WANNA GO HOME, WHY DO YOU HATE MY HOOOOOOME”.  This went on for several minutes, until the customer service dude walked away.  At that point, Drunkie the bear walks over to the window over looking the planes, and starts banging on the window, and yelling at the baggage carriers “YOU BETTER NOT SENDING MY FUCKING BAG HOME WITHOUT ME, YOU PROBABLY STOLE EVERYTHING DIDNT YOU AAAAAHHHHHHH”

He then walked into the middle of the terminal, screamed “I WANNA GO HOME” and then started upper cutting himself in the chin 5 to 6 times. Then Philadelphia Cops tackled him, from himself.