December 2008
19 posts
SINS-The Blog →
SINS-A New Support Group for Cocktailers →
Worst Answer Possible
“Dude, your girlfriend’s sister is cute…why didn’t you tell me she had a sister?”
“She is 15, but you’re welcome to make a move”
“Ugh, not again.”
MAN GETS ARRESTED IN AIRPORT FOR...
Sometimes in life, you witness something happen and just think to yourself, “This, is epic.” I have had many of these moments, like when Becca Reznik had D-Cups in 4th grade, or when I fake choked on an oreo in third grade to get Sarah Milby’s sympathy…another tale of epic proportions.
This story is so epic that the punch line is the topic sentence, much like a 5 paragraph...
Additional Holiday Party News
I have purchased a 48 inch (4 foot) tall Reindeer with mechanical moving head for the party. Said Reindeer will be situated on the bow (front) of the boat, and available for rides. Be weary of fake snow, it is storied to be slippery and hazardous.
Facebook interests: Wasting money, sorry im not sorry
Holiday Party Warning
The following is an email I sent to all attending the Festivus Holiday party on my 62 foot yacht in Palm Beach, Florida. Sorry I’m not sorry. Wish you could make it.
Dear All Festivus, Festivi, Festivers? Anyway, I am in a constant state of giggle regarding tonite’s festivities. Sure, ive poured enough coffee on my face this morning to kill a small child but lets be honest, its...
2 Birthdays.
Every 12 months, we have at least one day to look forward to. For me, it is taking the day off for Martin Luther King’s birthday. For others, it is to celebrate their own birth. The more I think about it, I realize something. December 25th is Jesus’ birthday. And you know that whole shtich about him giving us his everything for our sins? Well I think we both know that it would take a...
Whats that smell? Dogs? Sex? Sleep?
At first, it was a bit depressing that I slept with 120 pounds of english bulldogs on a nightly basis, however I am starting to realize that sleeping with 2 massive bulldogs during their orchestra of snoring leaves a person waking up smelling like dog…which really isnt much doesnt feel much different than waking up smelling like sex…the means to an end, without the regrets.
Holiday Hater
I went on a date last night. It was something I was looking forward to considering the girl is attractive and very smart and quite successful. She does business all over the world and has meetings all over the globe on a weekly basis. Impressive stuff.
Well, my world came crashing down last night. I was talking about my infamous Geico Caveman halloween outfit, which she saw in person. I was...
November 2008
12 posts
Home for the Holidays
Me: Mom, did the cat get smaller?
Mom: Oh, Honey, Morey died on Fourth of July...got hit by something or lost a fight, we weren't sure. thats a new cat.
Me: Oh...Okay. HAAAAY new cat
Mom: We havent named him yet. I call him stretch, dad calls him bummer...because he is a stray, and therefore a bum. But he is home now.
Me: Whatever. Can I have some eggs?
Schools cancel Thanksgiving dress up →
This is beyond ridiculous. Dressing up for thanksgiving? Racist? This is ridiculous. No one sued John Wayne. If anything, thanksgiving is demeaning to turkeys, cornicopias, pumpkins, potatoes, yams and ham. Thanksgiving is certainly brings about an overwhelming sense of community, and is a proud recognition of American advancements in gourd-related agriculture. Truly a horn-of-plenty for the...
Me: Mom, I got a really great outfit for Thanksgiving dinner. I am excited to take family photos
Mom: Please don't do this.
“my ideal crime? i rob tiffanys. do i go for the safe? no. too obvious. i go for...”
– Dwight Schrute
Attention Corporate America: This Office Contains...
Today is a big deal.
I have framed and mounted a very important article on the walls of my office. Nay it is not a diploma, nor a newspaper clipping. Rather, it is a certificate of absolute triumph. A certificate of 1st place, the grand prize, from my Fencing Class in college. A class I had to take my last semester in order to graduate. Not only did I take the class, I won the Class. Sure the...
WatchA little dark, a little sideways, a lot of awesome.
WatchThe best is yet to come…
October 2008
8 posts
I will be voting for McCain…BUT I’m starting to hope obama wins so i can just go on welfare and “live ya life” as rhianna says, which would include golf, beach and drinking…all thanks to uncle obama
I went to a bar last night to watch the phillies game. my tab at the end of the night was 24 dollars. the bartender was cute and i did not know her, so i left a $20 tip. she gave me a big hug and asked me to come in again soon…as i was walking out i thought to myself “congrats. you are the scummy old guy throwing around money that you hated in college. fucking prick”
At what point do I change my phone number???
I have posted before about weird, and sometimes aggressive texts, I get from my ex girlfriend from time to time. Last night was another display. Long story short we were at the same Art gallery show, she is unable to speak face to face, but texting makes the heart grow crazy (or is it fonder?) I left the show around 11pm.
Ex (11: 16PM): Did you leave
Me (11: 16PM): Yup
Ex (11: 17PM): Why
Me (11: 18PM): I have a big day at work tomorrow
Ex (11: 19PM): I am offended.
Ex (11: 23PM): Don't try to act like a hardass
EX (11: 48PM): No Response??
12: 07: Incoming call from Ex, which was ignored.
Seriously, at what point do I go through the hassle of changing my number?
“When we have kids, and hopefully a son, I hope he has your looks but not your...”
– This thanksgiving, I am thankful that I only have to put up with my [sister-in-law] (replacing explicative), a few days a year. She was “kidding”. I was “offended”.
1st Date Rule: NO Yoga.
A few months ago I got out of a semi-serious year long relationship, and as a result I have been dating sporadically, spontaneously and hap-hazardly. Luckily, the high majority (80%+) of these dates have been a good time. I continue to go out with some of the chicks occasionally, and its a casual, light hearted shared experience usually around cocktails, food, and foolery.
Over this past...
September 2008
14 posts
More productive
Lately i’ve been bringing my dog into the office periodically and im more productive with the pooch at work…its so weird.
Joe Biden's Lack of Charitable Giving.
The most surprising fact I learned yesterday:
Democratic vice presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden released 10 years of tax returns Friday…The Bidens’ joint gross income hovered between $215,000 and $320,000 a year during this period…The amount they gave to charity during this period never exceeded one-half of 1% of their annual income. The Bidens never gave more than $995 to...
“Wow, Barack! The ni**a’s name is Barack. Barack? Ni**a named Barack Obama. What...”
– An interview with The convict formerly known as DMX
Reblog till Marriage
Agent: how do i get more people following the agent
ClownHouse: follow them and reblog
ClownHouse: i know it takes work but its flattery to other people
Agent: so you're saying that if i reblog katy perry enough, we will eventually date?
ClownHouse: ewwwww
ClownHouse: thats hot though
Agent: Don't you ewwww my katy.
Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong
Agent: what are your plans this weekend?
MuslimFriend: absolutely nada
MuslimFriend: its still ramadan, laying low
Agent: i didnt realize you practiced your faith
MuslimFriend: yeah, lil bit here and there, this month sucks
Agent: you say ramadan. i say ramada
MuslimFriend: im rama DONE
“time is money, money is time
so i keep 7 o’clock in the bank and gain interest...”
– saul williams (via marcusmcfly)
“too fly not to fly”…genius line.
marcusmcfly:
Kanye West - Love Lockdown
Thank...
Trainsmoke
Agent:
there was a chick in publix tonite that was hotter than trainsmoke...i wanted to use that on her and then confuse her with a cloud of butterflies and philanthropy
Financials:
dude, can I borrow that? trainsmoke...love it. you should have! the women love the edge then you follow it up with the charitable chat....it's gold
Agent:
and caccoons of moths, yet butterflies. its like fucking birth. right there in your hand
and then all of a sudden, you are a giver, and that my friend is hotter than trainsmoke in the eyes of a woman
Financials:
its like you're god watching life's little miracle. Yes, the "giver" is the ass getter
Agent:
yea
Financials:
i need to give more
Agent:
your like, hey babe...the bread aisle will be here all day, lets watch life happen.
Financials:
teach this old dog new tricks....please
Financials:
hey babe, this milk doesn't expire for 8 days...lets go smell a rose
Agent:
exactly
babe. that rotisserie takes a few hours. lets go skip in a meadow, i dont know. get all hopped up and happy...spin in a circle. maybe fall over and get all itchy from the grass. hope you dont hold me accountable
Financials:
now that's trainsmoke
Agent:
next meeting i think im just the abstract suggestion guy
"hey what if we just throw a cloud watching fundraiser. you know. watch mother nature do the waltz in the sky, maybe hang glide the gulf stream. i dont know, kinda over cocktails. who am i kidding, cocktails are always included in cloud observation"
Financials:
yes, i suggest you start that. F meetings, no one comes. i'm experiencing serious cruise withdrawl and I'm cranky...sorry for the F comment
Agent:
Dont yell at me.