“Dude, your girlfriend’s sister is cute…why didn’t you tell me she had a sister?”

“She is 15, but you’re welcome to make a move”

“Ugh, not again.”

Sometimes in life, you witness something happen and just think to yourself, “This, is epic.” I have had many of these moments, like when Becca Reznik had D-Cups in 4th grade, or when I fake choked on an oreo in third grade to get Sarah Milby’s sympathy…another tale of epic proportions.

This story is so epic that the punch line is the topic sentence, much like a 5 paragraph essay in high school.

I witnessed a man get arrested last night, in the Philadelphia Airport (terminal E, gate E7), for getting in a fight with HIMSELF.

I love an airport layover just as much as the next guy, Laid on a layover? why not?! Airport Bars are recess yards for adults, and the fake ID youth of this great land.  Apparently this gentleman had been delayed for 4 hours previously in the day, and spent that delay Belly Up.  Well, he was not allowed on that flight due to intoxication. I imagine they said something to the effect of “sir, we have another plane coming in 3 hours, sober up and you can get on that”.  Well, he returned to the bar.  He then returned to the gate hours later for his next flight.  This is when he and I cross paths, indirectly.  Across the terminal at Gate E9, i am sleeping across 3 seats as I patiently await my 5 hour delayed flight.  I am awoken by a thunderous banging, as I gaze across the terminal I see this bafoon screaming “I JUST WANNA GO HOME, WHY DO YOU HATE MY HOOOOOOME”.  This went on for several minutes, until the customer service dude walked away.  At that point, Drunkie the bear walks over to the window over looking the planes, and starts banging on the window, and yelling at the baggage carriers “YOU BETTER NOT SENDING MY FUCKING BAG HOME WITHOUT ME, YOU PROBABLY STOLE EVERYTHING DIDNT YOU AAAAAHHHHHHH”

He then walked into the middle of the terminal, screamed “I WANNA GO HOME” and then started upper cutting himself in the chin 5 to 6 times. Then Philadelphia Cops tackled him, from himself. 

I have purchased a 48 inch (4 foot) tall Reindeer with mechanical moving head for the party. Said Reindeer will be situated on the bow (front) of the boat, and available for rides. Be weary of fake snow, it is storied to be slippery and hazardous.

Facebook interests: Wasting money, sorry im not sorry

The following is an email I sent to all attending the Festivus Holiday party on my 62 foot yacht in Palm Beach, Florida. Sorry I’m not sorry. Wish you could make it.

Dear All Festivus, Festivi, Festivers?

Anyway, I am in a constant state of giggle regarding tonite’s festivities. Sure, ive poured enough coffee on my face this morning to kill a small child but lets be honest, its festivus. Look, things are going to get weird, really quick tonite. We are talking santa, elves, fake snow, cookies, cocktails, festive garb, a dog dressed as a reindeer, a broken down sleigh, the high seas and high times of the intercoastal, who knows maybe enough a manatee will stop by for some patron, I can not be held accountable. Just FYI, my sweater is bold, loud and unapologetic. I hope yours can keep up. Sorry I’m not Sorry.

Every 12 months, we have at least one day to look forward to. For me, it is taking the day off for Martin Luther King’s birthday. For others, it is to celebrate their own birth. The more I think about it, I realize something. December 25th is Jesus’ birthday. And you know that whole shtich about him giving us his everything for our sins? Well I think we both know that it would take a heck of a lot of everything to figure the sins the two of us have compiled, which makes me realize, that December 25th is also our birthday as well. It is kind of a “whats mine is yours” situation with Jesus…so at this point, I am just trying to find my super powers, you know water to wine type shit.

Happy 1st birthday, round 2 on December 25th